Pimpin’ Gear

Successful pimpin don’t just happen…it is a planned, coordinated affair that begins long before you leave on your adventure. Now that you’ve got you mind right, you’ve got to get yourself together. The key is to be the most impeccable, presentable version of yourself possible. Think of what makes one 64′ Impala worth $5,000 and the one next to it worth $20,000. Neither is missing a body panel, and both are in good running condition. But the $20,000 one has a buffed paint job, new weather-stripping and polished chrome. Be the e-mack-ulate version of yourself.

The best way I can explain this to present yourself the way your grandma wished you did. Look like the ‘sharp young man’ whose picture she would like to show off at bingo. Fer real, she knows more than you think. Back in the day, a guy had to be presentable and well put together to approach a woman. Though times have changed, women are still tickled pink to think that you got dressed up just to see them. Plus, if they don’t already know you, it makes it look like you’ve got money, which I don’t have to explain to you is the single biggest turn on of all. I believe ZZ Top put it best in saying “Every girl’s crazy bout a sharp dressed man”. Sharp is the key. Sharp is never out of style, just some of the clothes associated with the look. James Bond has been a sharp dressed man for over 30 years, and has been bangin foreign chicks with suggestive names the entire time. You gonna argue with Bond? Thought so.

However, don’t get sucked into the trap of dressing like a complete fruit loop. There’s a difference between being GQ and being “metrosexual”. If you’ve got Capri’s , a pink popped up collar on, or heaven forbid both, your hopeless. I don’t even care if you do get any…please, go stand over there. The thin vertical stripe button down rides the cusp of ‘metro’ and ‘pimp’, but is the leisure suit of this generation, and will be horrifically dated by the spring. The difference between metro and pimp is that one is a pussy and the other gets pussy. Sharp dressed is one thing, sharp dressed with a feminine twist is another. You ever see a Flock of Seagulls video? “Metro” is the spawn of this same lineage. Ewww.

Checklist time, Bitches!!!

Before you leave AKA “So fresh and so clean.” In this order

• Shave/Trim – face, nostril hair, back/neck hair, sideburns, even bushy ass eyebrows if you’ve got em. Fer real, when was the last time a girl came up to you and told you how turned on they were by the hairy ass back of your neck? Exactly. I’m not telling you to go out and get waxed, I’m telling you to look more like a homo sapien than a Neanderthal. Allow shaving gel to set on face for five minutes before you shave, so it has time to soften your facial hair. After you shower, use an aftershave skin conditioner to avoid looking like your recovering from a weird skin rash. Dispose of disposable razors…they should be illegal to sell in the first place.
• Shower and wash hair – Use a conditioner if you’ve got any appreciable amount of hair. Swab out your ears (some chicks go for the ears…ear wax tastes exactly how you might think). Don’t be afraid to use an exfoliating cream.
• Cut nails – finger (and toe) nails clean and cut. File off any rough edges that might scratch-a-bitch. Girls notice this way more than you do. You think they want some nasty ass claw lookin’ like finger inside them? Exactly.
• Brush Teeth/mouthwash/floss – A pimps mouth is his most powerful tool in life…for several reasons. Kickin breath and kickin game just don’t mix. As your game closes in, bad breath can ruin a kiss, which sends the rest of your game packin’. Even if you’ve got beer breath, it’s better than cruddy ass teeth. Bring a sinus clearing powerful breath freshener with you.
• Get yo hair did – this will likely involve a comb, and perhaps some gel. If you’ve got really short hair, just give it a quick shape up along the edges with a trimmer before you hit the shower. If you’ve got a mullet, this will require a haircut. If you’ve got a pony tail, just stay home.
• Cologne – Cologne is key!!! Develop your own signature scent, one that you like, but that’s not “what everyone else wears”. Have a unique cologne that others will immediately associate with you. For over a skillions years, the animal kingdom has developed a subconscious recognition of the pheromones of potential mates. Be in the hunt. Apply cologne to the neck, upper chest and wrists. DON’T bath yourself in it. Cologne isn’t meant to attract her from across the room…your sexy ass scent is her reward for getting close to you.
  

  Clothing Basics: Checklist to not get dissed

• Condition – Clean, free of any stains or rips
• Ironing – …even if you don’t think they need to be.
• Well fitting- there is a difference between “loose fitting” and just plain the wrong size. Know the difference.
• Undershirts – wife beaters imply a somewhat scummy attitude. If you’re a big meathead mutherfucker at a bar that’s just a glorified meat market, then go for it. Other than that, an undershirt is a white V-neck.
• Shirt – It’s the shirt that makes the man! – Jeans are very well accepted as the norm nowadays, even for dressier occasions. The key to your look is the shirt. Jeans with flannel and boots implies that you’re a lumberjack, jeans with a nice dress shirt and shoes implies your mackin’ it. If it’s a button down dress shirt, make sure it’s buttoned and tucked in. Leave the top button open unless you’re wearing a tie with it. If it’s not a button down, you generally don’t tuck it in.
• Polyester – promotes perspiration, due to only partial permeability. Perchance you purchased such a piece, wear primarily when the possibility of perspiration won’t present a problem.
• Socks – White socks are only for sneakers, boots or baseball teams from Chicago. Otherwise, you need to wear some dress socks. Another one of those you-never-woulda-thoughta-this-but-girls-notice-it kinda things.
• Belt – Wear a belt!!! For the love of God, please!!! One that matches your shoes is key. Made of leather and metal, not hemp or duct tape, please.
• Shoes – need to be polished, shined and buffed. Change the goldfish in the heel of your platforms if necessary.
• Wallet – keep it slim. Money, credit cards, ID, some cash. A big wallet full of receipts, business cards, and ‘buy one taco, get one of equal or lesser value free!’ coupons makes you look like either a cheap packrat or an old man. Neither is sexy.
• Wear a coat – if necessary. Better to wear a coat than to look like a shivering fool. Make sure the coat makes sense with the outfit…dressy coat for dressy clothes (a long leather jacket is prime). Plus, it’s better to be able to offer a jacket to a shivering date than to be the shivering date.
• Overdressing vs. under dressing – obviously, dress for the occasion. For instance, don’t wear slacks and shoes if she suggests a first date that involves a mosh pit. However, you sure as hell don’t want to be pleading with a bouncer to let you squeak by under the dress code requirements.
• Jewelry – Unless you got a name like “Sweetness” or “Wheremymoney”, avoid excessive jewelry. Make sure that at the very least, you’re wearing less jewelry than your date.
• Wedding ring – Remove if necessary.
  

  For a first date or potential encounter, NEVER wear

• Sweatpants. ‘Nuff said.
• Creased, faded or overly baggy jeans – unless you want to look like you’re from 1978, 1987, or 1997, respectively.
• These Shirts – Patterned/logo shirts, leather pants or jeans with jean jacket (aka “Canadian Tuxedo”).
• Exposed undershirt – DO NOT let your undershirt hang out. Tuck it in if it’s longer than your outer shirt. Also, never wear a shirt with a logo that gonna show through your outer shirt
  

  General guide to dressing for first date situation Though not the ideal situation, a date is sometimes a necessary step between meeting and, well, doin’ what you came to do. Keep in mind that once the ice has been broken and a basic level of comfort exists between the two of you, there’s is nothing wrong with wearing whatever you feel comfortable in. Let your idiosyncrasies come through eventually though, not at first. If you show up clad in leather or with a pair of purple UFO’s on, you stand a good chance of scaring her off. The only possible exception would be if you were dressed in such a manner when you met her and are going to a similar event. If not, don’t surprise her at this point…she’s already looking for you to be a weirdo of some sort (all females assume this right off the bat). Try to first establish that you are ‘normal’, then that you are crazy.